Dear Mom and Dad,
This is what happiness looks like. Sorry you were so miserable in your own lives that you couldn’t allow me a chance at my own. I went out and found it anyway. I miss you, and will miss you even more this holiday season since you won’t allow me to come back home unless I have a woman on my arm. Oh by the way, we’ll still be using the family recipe for the stuffing, I’m sure it’ll be a hit with our friends.
Your son, his boyfriend, and our spoiled cat
this deserves a million notes omfg
I’ve been in a relationship for a few months now and things seem to be incredible.
It was my fault actually. In the middle of the drunken honeymoon phase, while giggling I suggested, “Hey, Babe! We should totally create a joint eBay account! We can make some money here and there.” Feeling quite proud of this genius suggestion, I sat down smugly while he agreed immediately.
Now it’s been a straight month of eBay auctions and I’ve created a monster. The phone is attached to his hand day and night. I think his hand is actually stuck in mid-bear claw. When I wake up, when I enter or leave the room, when I roll over to say good night, always with that dull blue light hitting his face softly, eyes open, mouth drooling. (I may have added that for dramatic purposes)
It’s starting to get under my skin. I can’t help but eye-roll myself to kingdom come. Sucking my teeth has become so regular, I believe I have decibels to this sh*t. I’m starting to feel like the third wheel in this relationship and it sucks because his LifeProof wearing-ten years younger-more savvy-crazy intelligent with supernatural searching skills-beloved iPhone has now captured my boyfriend’s attention, over poor old human me.
I’m going to snap. And not snap, as in a bunch of cool pictures. I’m almost considering downloading every album I’ve ever even remotely enjoyed (especially the special edit ones that last like an hour and change) and putting on headphones from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. I might not even have any music on. I’m just going to keep my headphones around my neck, like a twenty-first century scarf and pop them babies in whenever I see his face.
Immature? Maybe. Effective? I’m not sure. But I’m not going down without a fight.
*starts downloading The Beatles’ White Album, approx. 93:35 min left*
*goes and does hoodrat things*